“But silence is where it happens. Silence is where we learn about ourselves. Silence is where we find God.”
First off, I want to say thank you for following my blog and reading my ramblings and heart breaking stories of my past. Thank you for praying for me and being here for me. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. ❤ I am truly blessed to have friends like you. I will be taking a blogging break. For how long, I do not know. I’m taking a break from all of the “noise” and I have a lot of healing to do, mentally and physically. I need to focus on my health and relationships right now. This is very important. I don’t blog about everything that I deal with. I don’t want to bring others down. Please be kind to one another. Christians are called to love one another.
“When you feel more loved and accepted by sinners than other Christians, the Church has a problem.” ~ Me
If I have ever given anyone the impression that I wasn’t serious about Jesus or that I’m not 100% radically saved, I apologize. If me putting pictures up of my face has caused anyone to stumble, I apologize. I see my brothers in Christ as brothers. I see them as who they are: my brothers. I do have older brothers (one who thinks I am beautiful, encouraged me to “buy the sexy high heels” and even commented that I could have been a model when he walked into the kitchen and saw a photo of me on the counter) and I love them dearly. I respect them. I am comfortable around men and I find they like to talk with me. This is nothing new. I’ve always had lots of male friends and I grew up hanging out with my brothers in music stores and at churches with LOTS of men around. I think of my male friends and men that I find very attractive in the same way as I do my brothers. I can love them like I love my actual brothers, I can appreciate their good looks and say, “God took a little more time on him!” without having an affair with them. I keep my male friends in the “brother box” and it’s a good thing.
My whole life, I’ve only had one best friend who was a female. She and I were little girls in church together and I love her very much. She moved away and I never had another friend like her. I love my sisters in Christ. I loved the Church ladies growing up. I have made friends with several Christian ladies and a couple of young ladies here on WordPress. I am blessed to know them and I love them. They are beautiful and some of the sweetest people I know. I appreciate and celebrate other women. I see the strengths that men have and the strengths that women have. I realize the difference, the need for both in this world, and I know that neither one is better than the other.
This blogging thing has been very therapeutic. Even though I trashed most of my stories about my past and my men, I would be happy to bring them back if I thought they could help someone. I learned a lot last year and I realized that I am not a mistake or an accident. I am not what was done to me, I am not my mistakes, I am not my worst behaviors… I am a preacher’s daughter. I may have ran from it for awhile, I may have “blended in” a little too well with sinners and wished I was in a “normal family”. I may have “played” with some of Satan’s finest, but I will never BE one of Satan’s finest. I had to get “lost” to be “found”. I had to be on my own to become who I’m supposed to be. I had to go through Hell to be able to help others and understand how they feel. I needed to know why people do “stupid stuff” and become addicts. In fact, I had to LIVE life in a sinners world in order to understand how hard it is to be a Christian.
Being a sinner is easy. Giving into temptation is easy. Resisting temptation with everything in you, saying “no” when you want so desperately to say “yes”, is hard. Walking away from things that call your name 24/7, that is hard. Walking away from people who will quietly drag your soul to Hell right along with theirs when all you wanna do is be with them because they make you feel soooooo good, that is HARD. When lies roll off of other peoples tongues like butter and they seem to have no conscience, choosing to be the better person, that is hard. I have lived both lives there are to live, I know addiction and I know sin VERY well (if you made Satan cry the day you surrendered your life completely to Jesus, you know what I’m talking about).
What is important here is that I also know Jesus VERY well. My father is one of the best preachers I’ve ever had the privilege of listening to. My faith in God runs DEEP. I am all about God. I knew of His love, His mercy, His grace and His gift of forgiveness long before the world had a chance to knock anything out of me. I always had God with me. He went everywhere I went. He was with me through everything I’ve been thorugh, all the wrongs done to me and He was with me when I made mistakes. He NEVER left my side. One of the most important things I had to learn is that there is nowhere I can go that God is not with me:
“If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.” ~ Psalm 139-8
If you take anything away from my blog, take this:
God was with me, He was always with me. He kept his hand on me no matter where I went, who I was with or what I was doing. In fact, God’s conviction in my heart kept me from going “all the way” with men.
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. ” ~ John 10:27-28
It was God who never let men cut my wrists all the way through, break my neck or bury my body where no one would find it. And it was God who was with me when I couldn’t get out of the living Hell we call “addiction”. When I was 28 years old, I finally surrendered and cried out to the God who saved me when I was a little girl. I cried out to the God I talked about no matter where I was, the God I thought about day and night, the God my father preached about 3 times a week and that God did what I could not. He delivered me and set me free in one moment. What I could not do in ten years, God did in an instant. Yes, I went through withdrawal and yes, it was hard. But, nothing is impossible with God. This year will be 15 years that I have been SET FREE.
I’m not exactly who I was when I began my healing journey and started this blog:
“I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” ~ Jack Kerouac
I’m not confused about my past, certain family members’ behaviors, my men, my worth or my pain anymore…
Amazed By His Grace,