Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Sixteen

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“Nothing turns to hate so bitter as what once was love.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

During that month, I waited for Mr. Bodyguard (my husband) to come for me. I looked for him to come driving down the street and I hoped it was him when the phone rang. Nothing. No grand gesture, no begging me to drop the divorce, not even a “Hey, did you have the baby yet?”. Not one single word. This was my final month of pregnancy. I had made it! I began to have even worse pregnancy complications and I had to stay in bed. I was so sad. I missed my husband… oh did I miss him. My father had a family emergency out of state and he was gone. My mother was working full time at a job she got right across the main street. She had worked there for months and was making good money. Another lady came to work there and my mother wasn’t… meshing well with her. I was in bed resting at my parents apartment like I was supposed to be and my mother called me from work. I think I told her I was okay. I was having problems, but I was in bed. There literally was nothing anyone could do. I just needed to rest and hopefully, labor would start soon. Not long after I hung up the phone, my mother comes busting in and she’s going on about this stupid woman that told her she couldn’t leave work and she needed to get home to me. I was confused. She didn’t need to leave work. The phone was ringing and it was the lady. She left a message saying something to my mom about how she can’t leave work like that. My mom starts going on about how “crazy” this woman is. I was laying there trying to rest and now, I’ve got the phone ringing and my mother all worked up. It was just a lot of drama. I remember trying to tell my mother that I would be fine. I honestly would never cause anyone trouble or put their job in jeopardy. That’s not the kind of person I am. I do not ask people to set themselves on fire to keep me warm… ever.

She was ticked at that lady and she went out the door. It was quiet once again. Then all of the sudden, my mother comes back and is being very dramatic. I was like, “What is going on?” I was just trying to rest. My vision was bad and I was so stressed out. My mother had QUIT her job. She had evidently gotten into it with the lady and told her something like I needed her at home and I was more important than her job. No one was going to tell her when she could and couldn’t leave work to go check on me. I was floored! This was NOT an emergency, she had just talked to me on the phone, I could have called her IF I had a medical emergency and she definitely did not need to quit her job. What a mess! I should never have been staying at her apartment. I should have been with my husband in our house. From then on, she told people her heroic story about leaving her job for her daughter. I knew the real situation, but I kept my mouth shut just like I always did and I let her have her moment.

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That last month of my pregnancy, I never heard from my husband, but boy did I hear from my attorney! This fight wasn’t really between my husband and myself, it was between my mother and my husband. It wasn’t really me he was fighting with. This all started with the kiss at the cabin and him rejecting her. All of the conversations I had with her about him had made me lose faith in him. I didn’t trust him and he knew it. He was done. Him abandoning me and the baby was the last straw for everyone. He would never be welcomed back into the family and I was to fight for everything I could get. My mother directed EVERYTHING. She told me what to do every step of the way. She told me what to demand and how I had to get what I could. She called my attorney God knows how many times and I got billed every time they talked. I was going into huge debt just from my attorney’s bills! I didn’t really want all of the stuff in the house, I wanted my husband. Even after being abandoned by him repeatedly, him leaving me with no money for food while he had everything he needed, and being evicted from the home I had wanted so badly… I still loved him. I still wanted to be with him. I wanted my husband to love me and put our family back together. That wasn’t happening. 

My husband had decided to fight my petition for support and on top of that, he wanted EVERYTHING. This was going to get ugly.   

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Photo by Joey Kyber on Unsplash

My old apartment was way to small for my parents, myself and the baby. Luckily, a really pretty 2 bedroom or actually, a 1 bedroom with a loft and half a bathroom upstairs was available and we decided to move into it. It was just around the corner and down the side walk. My due date had passed and I heard that walking might help start labor. I helped (what I could) with taking things over to the new apartment. Up and down the sidewalk I went. Nothing. We got my parents moved over and one of my brothers went to my house and was able to get in somehow. He got the baby bed and some things for me out of my house. He brought them down to the apartment and we set up the loft upstairs for me and my baby. It was so nice to have familiar things around me again and my baby items. My other brother gave me a daybed to sleep on and now, I had the perfect room to bring my baby home to. That made me feel so much better. I was excited. We lived right off of the highway and I had a cool view. I remember standing there in the loft at night, looking out my huge window that overlooked the highway and seeing the lights from the businesses. I had so much on my mind, I was going to be responsible for half the rent, half the utilities, my car payment, my auto insurance, my food and soon, all the things a new baby needs. I had survived on food stamps/free food from the state for pregnant women, the rare lunch/dinner with family and exactly $100 my husband had handed me one day. I knew I was going to have to start over. I knew I had nothing and right now, my husband wasn’t giving me or our baby a dime. I needed to go back to work as soon as possible because the state was cutting me off completely once the baby was born. This was not going to be easy. Looking out over the cars flying down that highway, I felt a strength come over me. I knew I could do it. I was ready.

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Photo by Joey Kyber on Unsplash

My mother accompanied me to my doctor visit that last time and she made sure the doctor knew that my husband had abandoned me and that I was under stress. I was humiliated every time people talked about my situation and I felt like nothing. He had put me in the situation I was in and I felt so unloved by my husband. I was… discarded over and over by him throughout my entire pregnancy. Since I had no private health insurance, my doctor was a student doctor. That last appointment, I was a mess! I was two weeks over due, my husband had abandoned me repeatedly during my pregnancy, I was in the middle of a divorce, I was having pregnancy complications and on top of all that, I seemed to have caught a cold. Listening to them talk, I couldn’t take anymore and I just broke down. I fell to pieces right there in the examination room and I couldn’t keep it together any longer. I needed this baby out! My poor little body had had enough. The doctor looked at me and told my mother something like they had “dealt with guys like this before.” and I could be checked in “anonymous” at the hospital whenever I did go into labor. I was under so much stress and having to deal with a husband like mine during my delivery wasn’t a good idea. I had mixed feelings on this. I wanted my husband there during the birth, but I wanted him to WANT to be there for me. If I had to see a man who seemed to hate me sitting there watching me give birth, giving me no support, cold as he was and knowing that he wanted nothing to do with me… I don’t know if I could have survived.

I can’t explain the pain you feel when your spouse says that they do not love you anymore. I honestly do not know anything worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you. That’s not something medicine can fix. Surgery… nope. Money? Can’t buy love. In my mind, there is NO hope when a man does not love me. I can not explain it other than… love is like “air” to me and without it, I feel like I can’t “breathe”. In that moment, I had only one job to do. This was not about him, it was about having a safe delivery and not having anymore complications if at all possible. No mother should ever be put in that position. A woman should never have to be alone having a baby. If a man “loved” you enough to get you pregnant, he should respect you enough to make sure he stays with you, takes care of you and that you have as little stress as possible until the baby is born. Why my husband couldn’t do that for me and wait until after delivery to break my heart is something I will never understand.

Being 2 weeks over due and having so many complications, I was practically begging the student doctor to help me. She sent me home with some medicine and I was to rest. If I didn’t go into labor soon, she would induce me. I went home and I got sick… so sick. I began throwing up and having bad pain. My parents took me to the hospital and my mother made sure I was checked in “anonymous”. I was put in a room and they came in to do a sonogram. The pain was coming from my right kidney. The baby was putting too much pressure on it and my kidney was enlarged. My tiny body couldn’t take anymore. I remember hearing, “We have to get the baby out!” and I was taken into a delivery room where the doctor broke my water. No more playing “wait and see”. If I couldn’t have the baby myself, they would preform a c-section. Either way, I was going to meet my baby tonight! Luckily, once the doctor broke my water I went into labor and began pushing. I pushed and I pushed until I couldn’t push anymore. They had told me to tell them if I wanted help, but I wanted to do this on my own. My husband had told me that I was so tiny I probably wouldn’t be able to have a baby without a c-section. He words stuck in my head and maybe I was determined to prove him wrong. I think it was about two hours they let me try. I was so sick and my body was exhausted. I needed oxygen and I finally gave up. They gave me a little help and there she was, my beautiful baby girl (AKA “DollFace”). My mother and grandmother were in the there with me and they were thrilled. Since my husband wasn’t with me, my mother had the honor of “cutting the cord”. I laid back and watched as the staff took my baby and put an oxygen mask on her. Finally… she was here.

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Photo by Ignacio Campo on Unsplash

Everything had happened so quick as I only went to the hospital to get checked, and here I was having the baby! I was in no position to call my husband during labor and no one in my family was going to call him. I reached over and got the phone on the table beside me. I called my husband three times I believe that night. I couldn’t reach him. I gave up and fell asleep. I woke up at some point and my mother was asleep on the couch or a chair over by the baby. I looked and there was my sweet little baby girl in the clear plastic “bassinet” they put them in. As I was looking at her, I realized that it was over. The happiest event of my life that I had waited over nine months for was over. I thought to myself, “He missed it.” It hit me hard, my husband missed the WHOLE thing. It was nothing like what I thought. It was not happy, it was scary, it was sad because I thought my husband didn’t love me and I had so many problems physically. The happiest part was hearing “DollFace” cry and knowing she was alive. I remember hearing the nurses talk about where the father was or if I had tried to contact him. I was not an unwed 20 year old preacher’s daughter bringing shame to the family. I was married and I had tried so hard to do things the right way. The way the nurses were looking at me and talking was humiliating. Without my husband there, I felt so alone and unloved. I wanted him to WANT to be there. I wanted him to WANT to be with me. I knew he wanted nothing to do with me and it cut like a knife. Still, he was the father and I hurt for him. He totally missed it and there was NOTHING I could do about it. I felt such huge sadness and disappointment. I laid there that night watching “DollFace” sleep. She was beautiful and she looked exactly like her father. It was just the two of us most of the time while she was in my tummy and we had made it. Now, it would be me and her. Us two chicks against the world. We had survived. We were tough…

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Photo by Julie Johnson on Unsplash

 

(Okay Mr. Bodyguard, you left me for dead and now you wanna fight and take everything away from me? Then you better do it like a champion…)

“Champion”

Late nights on your pillow
Love as fast as light
Faded into echoes
In my ventricles
I carry this cargo
Sinking deeper down
And though your love was shallow
I managed to drown

Is this how you’re gonna make me look now
Is this how you’re gonna walk right out
Then you’d better do it like a champion
And break my heart once and for all
Do you feel good knowing that you’ve won now
Do you get high when I hit my lows
Yeah I hope you feel like you’re a champion
When you break my heart once and for all

I keep bending barrels
You take aim and shoot
I’m on pins and needles
Your skin’s bulletproof
Don’t try to be noble
Leaving me for dead
And though your love is hollow
I could use your hand

Is this how you’re gonna make me look now
Is this how you’re gonna walk right out
Then you’d better do it like a champion
And break my heart once and for all
Do you feel good knowing that you’ve won now
Do you get high when I hit my lows
Yeah I hope you feel like you’re a champion
When you break my heart once and for all

Just break my heart once and for all
Do you feel good knowing that you’ve won now
Do you get high when I hit my lows
Yeah I hope you feel like you’re a champion
When you break my heart once and for all
Yeah I hope you feel like you’re a champion
When you break my heart once and for all

Elina 

*My thoughts, my feelings, my story and my opinions are my own. I don’t want to cause any trouble for my family members who are preachers and the ministries they have built. I love and respect them. It is not my desire to hurt anyone or the images they have made for themselves. That being said, I am not above or beneath anyone and I have a right to share my story just like anyone else.

 

Amazed By His Grace, 

Purple Rose

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Seventeen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Fifteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Fourteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Thirteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Twelve

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eleven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Ten

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Nine

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eight

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Seven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Six

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Five

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Four (He returns)

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Three

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Two

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part One

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16 thoughts on “Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Sixteen

  1. Dollfaced Writer says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through pregnancy and labor alone like that. I know you had your parents, but their support is nothing like average parents’ support, you know? With her, you will forever owe her, even though she causes over half the hell you ever go through.

    Thank you for enduring the pain though, as terrible as it was. You have and always will be the best mother I could have 🙂 ❤ You are amazing, Mama.

    You deserved so much better from your family and from him. I'm sorry everyone always had their own agenda. To this day no one seems to care about what their choices and actions do to everyone else.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Stuart L. Tutt says:

    From a father who missed the birth of his first child due to being out of town and she wasn’t due yet I am so sorry. Reading what I you have shared I doubt he cares he missed it. But I for one encourage all men to be there to witness the beauty of birth.

    I’m sorry he wouldn’t answer your calls. But more than that I’m sorry he abandoned the two of you 😡

    So not right. But he was fighting his own demons and well…your mom. And I am sure he is still fighting those demons 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    • Purple Rose says:

      Thank you brother Stuart. Yes, I think all men should be there to see their child being born. Not the actual scene, staying at the mother’s side is best (seriously, some men are traumatized after seeing the whole deal). Or at least wait in the hall if they are going to faint! LOL

      I will never understand how he could abandon his wife and child. I know I wasn’t a good wife, but that was just… cruel on so many levels.

      Yes, he was fighting some demons for sure. I will never know what all was going through his head. I do know that he told DollFace recently that he left because I didn’t trust him. I’m trying to process that one. I think for me, I just wish he would have waited until after she was born. It could have saved so much trouble for other people and I could’ve dealt with it better once I wasn’t… hormonal. Sigh… I don’t know, it must have been torture being in the same house with me.

      I honestly think I made him fall out of love with me and I’m the one who begged for a baby. I do not think he was ready to be a father. He was deep in addiction and I didn’t know it. I just wanted a baby with him. I think he was afraid the same thing would happen as the first time and he did not want to deal with watching me lose another child.

      This I know, I HATED fighting with him and I should have never started the paperwork. Sometimes, people fight you not because they want to win, it’s because they want you to drop it. I don’t know if that’s his reason, but if he wanted a divorce… he could’ve gotten one himself. Him never asking for one and then eventually being unwilling to sign the papers once I agreed to almost anything and he got more than he deserved, that makes me think he may have fought that hard for a reason. Then again… I am a hopeless romantic and I will never know the exact truth it seems.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Stuart L. Tutt says:

        I can see him not wanting what happened before to happen again. I’m sure I’ll get some backlash from this…but…men hurt when a child is lost too. The sad thing is that he was hiding some struggles from you and the loss and neither of you knew how to comfort the other. And neither family really helped. That can cause a major strain on any relationship.

        And I can also understand his thought about you not trusting him…though in reality it was your mom that you couldn’t trust. But you were around parents a LOT. More than most newlyweds I believe.

        I’m not trying to justify anything he said or did mind you. Just I can understand to a degree.

        Sadly, you are right. You may never know the real reason behind his actions and lack there of.

        But you have an amazing daughter because of the love you two did share for one another. That’s something I have come to understand here of late with my marriage to Jenn…Brandon and Erin. They are my blessings, just as Dollface is yours! As is your youngest 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • Purple Rose says:

        Yes, I agree with you Stuart. I am sad that I couldn’t see his hurt at the time, I thought losing our child didn’t affect him the way it did me and I had no idea how to help him.

        “…though in reality it was your mom that you couldn’t trust.” oh, wow. That’s a hard truth right there. Wow.

        We were around my family 6-7 days a week! I didn’t “Leave and cleave” like spouses are told to do.

        Yes, I can see why he would leave. I just wish he had stayed. I REALLY wish he would have stayed OR took me with him to another place of our own.

        The children we get out of our failed relationships are such a gift! I don’t know how I would do life on my own. They also make all the pain and heartbreak worth something. ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      • Stuart L. Tutt says:

        That they do! I certainly can not see my life without my kids either. They are my world ❤

        Sorry/not sorry about the mom comment. That is just how I see it reading everything from the story.

        I wish he would have taken you elsewhere to start new outside the realm of physical family influence. It may have helped and yet it could have made things harder for you both. Who knows 🤔

        Are you finished with the next part? Or is it still in the how do I put this into words stage?

        Liked by 2 people

      • Purple Rose says:

        Yes, I think I am finished with part seventeen. DollFace was here yesterday for Girl’s night and she edited it for me. I just have to get some photos off of unsplash and add them. I plan to post it on Monday. I have “Mr. Bodyguard ~ Final” part finished too, but it’s the getting there that is taking me FOREVER. Then again, there really isn’t a “Final” part when you are parents. We will always be connected and he sure made life interesting for a good 14 years AFTER our divorce. However, I probably will not write much about those years. I think I will end it with when I moved to another state to start over around a year after our divorce was finalized. Yeah… I better end it there.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dollfaced Writer says:

        There’s some days I want to make a finality 😔 no matter how much I try to get answers from him, he does the same thing. This time he really ticked me off. You can’t blame everyone else, you know? He’s the one who abandoned Mom and put her through heck. He can say sorry all he wants, but when he blames Mom for not trusting him that just says it all to me. How do you trust someone who abandons you? My grandma didn’t help whatsoever, but his reactions to her are what did him in. He’s not sorry for it. You can’t be sorry then blame someone else.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Stuart L. Tutt says:

        No you can not blame everyone else. In any marriage and/or relationship no one person is to blame. There is always something the one doing the blaming has done to cause the other the act a certain way or do something.

        Yes, he abandoned you Mom and you, for that matter. And yes your grandma had a major part in all this with her inability to control herself.

        All I can say is pray for your dad. He was broken before he even met your mom. Sadly he never truly found the way out from whatever it was that happened all those years ago that caused him to self medicate himself 😦

        Liked by 2 people

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