Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Fifteen

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“One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.”

I wish to God someone would have stopped me. I wish to God someone in Mr. Bodyguard’s family would have slapped the daylights out of my husband, told him to go home where he belonged and take care of his wife and child. I wish to God I had gone to whatever bar he was in, dragged his tail home and forced him into rehab if that’s what he needed. I wish he would have just TALKED to me and told me WHY!!! I could have fixed it, but I had no idea what I needed to fix. If only he had sat me down and spelled it out for me. If only I had of realized what he was actually saying when he did speak. If only I had seen his heart. I wasn’t “listening” to him and I didn’t see that it wasn’t me he was needing to get away from. I wasn’t paying attention to my husband’s pain and I never understood where it came from. I was mad at him for leaving me. I was mad at him for not talking to me. I was mad at him for making me feel like I meant nothing to him. I was mad at him for making me look like a fool every time I let him in that door and every time I allowed him to touch me.

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I was pregnant and so hormonal. There should be a law against letting a pregnant woman file for divorce. I didn’t go for a separation because of two reasons. #1 I thought he would fight for me and this would just scare him (a little wake up call). I would drop it if he decided he wanted to try to work things out. As long as there was a little glimmer of hope, I was ready to do anything to win him back. #2 If he really wanted out, I wasn’t going to stop him. This would give him an out and he could be free. I am the type of woman who thinks in “black and white”, either he wanted to be with me or he didn’t. There was no “gray” in my mind. I refused to compete with anything or anyone. I loved him too much to trap him into a marriage he didn’t want. However, I DID NOT want to live without him. When I got home, there was a note from him. I will never forget this… he had come by to see me while I was gone hiring my attorney. I missed my husband coming by to see me that day because I was gone. I saw his note and realized that he had tried to see me while I was out doing something he wouldn’t see coming. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart.

I loved him. NOTHING he did ever changed my love for him. It was unconditional and irrevocable.

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Since he refused to pay any of our bills, the utilities were being shut off and we were losing our home. I had no choice but to get some of my things ready to move out. He had moved out little by little and was living at his parents’ house. I was home alone, clinging to a dream that no longer existed. I LOVED my home. It was perfect for us. I remember seeing it for sale and somehow convincing my husband to buy it. Our mortgage was less than $400 a month and we had an entire house! I loved the new appliances we had picked out together. I loved our furniture. Our backyard was big and perfect for building a treehouse and putting up a swing set. Our kitchen window had a perfect view of the back yard and it would have been nice to watch our children play while cooking dinner. I remember watching my husband spruce up our home before we moved in and how he had so passionately made love to me unexpectedly right there in the empty living room. Our bedroom was always full of… excitement and passion. Our chemistry was insane. I had so many memories in there. “Bedroom time” with him was the best part of my day. I never wanted it to end. I LOVED being his wife in every single way. He was so good to me the first year of our marriage. He was a wonderful husband. It was killing me that I was having to leave the only place I wanted to be. I would never see him pull into the drive ever again. He would never again walk up the sidewalk lighted by the little lights I just had to have him put in. For me, without him there, it was just a house and no longer a home.

The night I gave him the papers, I didn’t expect him to react the way he did. He thought he had finally talked me into moving in with his parents. He was wrong. I had a secret, I was going to give him the divorce papers and see what he would do (my 20 year old stupidity). If he decided to save our home, move back in, be the loving husband he was before and stop the divorce, I knew he loved me. If he didn’t, I would know that he didn’t really want to be with me and I would have to go live in that tiny one bedroom apartment with my parents until I could figure something out. After my final Lamaze class, we both got in his car. It was odd, him thinking he was finally getting me and the baby away from my family and out of the city while I knew the whole time that I wasn’t going anywhere. No sir, he wasn’t going to take me away from my family and actually have a separate life just the two of us with no outside drama. Not gonna happen. I never gave him the chance. If Mr. Perfect couldn’t get me away from my family, neither would Mr. Bodyguard. My parents were actually waiting for me in the parking lot. I told him that I wasn’t going with him. He looked puzzled and I pulled out the divorce papers I had been holding in a huge envelope. The look on his face was awful. I will never forget it. What was even worse, he didn’t even try to stop me. I was shocked.

I got my stuff and went to my parents’ car. He peeled out of the parking lot and my parents took me with them. It was nighttime and pouring rain. I was crying so bad. I called his parents’ house because I was worried about him getting in an accident. His mom told me he was there. He didn’t ask to talk to me and that was okay. Just knowing he had made it safe gave me a little peace. Desperate for a reason to get out of what I had set in motion, I looked at my father and asked if I even had a biblical right to do this. I could not stop crying. I needed someone to stop me from making a horrible mistake and help me figure out what to do… NOW. My father told me that I in fact DID have biblical grounds and he quoted a scripture like, “let the unbelieving depart” (I personally do not believe my husband was an unbeliever or that I had biblical grounds for divorce). I know my parents didn’t know how to handle my feelings. I don’t act or think exactly like the rest of my family. I feel everything deeply and I when I love… I love hard. I would have forgiven that man forever if he asked me to. I would have let him make me look like a fool every single day of my life if I thought he still loved me. I really wanted to be with my husband, I wanted him to WANT to be with me and take me home. The more I cried, the more upset my mother looked. My parents had enough of his behavior. It was just better to let him leave for good this time. Family functions would be better for them without him there.

I went to stay with my parents in their apartment, the one they had moved into after my husband and I had moved out. The same apartment I had lived in with my husband before we bought our house. How strange it was to be in that apartment again and without him. Oh well, at least I had a place to sleep. One month, that’s how long I waited. I looked for him to drive up in his beautiful car every single day. I was always used to hearing it come down the street when he came home. Just like before, I looked for him and I looked for him. He never came. I hoped he would at least try to talk to me before I had our baby. Every time the phone rang, I hoped it was him. It never was. I was waiting for him to do something. Where was his grand gesture? There was none. I could hardly believe it. It was my fault though. I messed up…again. All I wanted was him, but I gave him divorce papers instead. One whole month… nothing. Not a word. After that, I knew. I knew he wanted out. I accepted it…

(Okay Mr. Bodyguard, I give up)

 

“Say Something”

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one if you want me to

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I… am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I… will stumble and fall

I’m still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I… will swallow my pride

You’re the one that I love

And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-Ooh)

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something…

~ Ian Axel, Mike Campbell, Chad Vaccarino

*My thoughts, my feelings, my story and my opinions are my own. I don’t want to cause any trouble for my family members who are preachers and the ministries they have built. I love and respect them. It is not my desire to hurt anyone or the images they have made for themselves. That being said, I am not above or beneath anyone and I have a right to share my story just like anyone else.

Amazed By His Grace,

Purple Rose 

 

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Sixteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Fourteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Thirteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Twelve

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eleven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Ten

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Nine

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eight

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Seven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Six

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Five

Mr. Godfather ~ Part Four

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Three

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Two

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part One

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10 thoughts on “Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Fifteen

  1. Dollfaced Writer says:

    I’m so sorry that it came to that. I don’t know what he was thinking, I wish I knew and could tell you. Maybe one day he’ll finally explain what the heck happened. You needed him to fight for you, but since it felt like he gave up you couldn’t help but give up too. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Purple Rose says:

      I wish you knew too! I don’t know if he will ever tell anyone. Maybe he will. That would help with getting closure… maybe. Idk.

      Pastor Nicole said, “When men don’t understand, they leave.” I’m sure I was a very confusing little thing! Or maybe losing our 1st baby was too much for him and he was afraid it would happen again? I think it affected him way more than I realized. Also, I had no idea the family drama and my disrespect towards him affected him like it did. No idea. 😔

      Women like me think men can just take stuff. We say whatever we want to them because they are really big/strong tough guys. The truth is, women can’t just say whatever they want to their man. It affects them. They may not show it at first, but it does.

      I did need him to fight, but he already had. I was lucky he fought for me at all. To expect him to do it a second time… maybe that was asking too much?

      I never defended him or protected him back then. He had no idea how much I loved and respected him. I thought all the crying and begging was enough, but it wasn’t. Now, I know that he wanted me to show him RESPECT.

      I never told everyone who was causing drama to go to blazes. I never clung to my husband. I never fought for him… not once.

      Like

      • Dollfaced Writer says:

        While all of that is true, he’s the one who walked away ❤ you were both young and you were in survival mode, trying to get him to stay at the same time. He had a lot of chances to decide not to leave. However, the family did a ton of damage you couldn’t repair 😓 no one helped you guys.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Stuart L. Tutt says:

    Here are my thoughts.

    You didn’t pull the trigger… your momma pulled the trigger.

    It doesn’t matter how strong a man is…if the woman he loves does not respect him and says negative things about him regardless if he is trying to cope with something or not..it can break us.

    He was broken in several ways. And some of it was there before you ever met each other, hince the smoking and drinking that you didn’t know about.

    And the family BS really was the main issue.

    Your dad didn’t give all the scripture you needed to make your choice either…just the part he wanted you to hear.

    Your momma…not even going there…other than to say I would have slapped the holy fire out of her.

    I’m so sorry all this happened to you sis and to him. It wasn’t fair…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Purple Rose says:

      Yes, I totally agree with everything you said.
      And he basically told me not so long ago that he… well, I’ll just say that he had a problem much worse than what I knew and for the year before he met me. He told me that I saved HIM. I was shocked. I always thought it was he who saved me. So, yeah. We were BOTH broken when we met. 😔
      Thank you. 💕 No, it wasn’t fair at all and I’m still mad 😠 as —- that it happened. I’m working on getting that under the blood. 😬

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Stuart L. Tutt says:

    We all broken sis. Some just hide it better than others…for a while at least. I’m so sorry he didn’t tell when you started dating. You may have been able to help him get through it better.

    You did save each other in a sense. You showed each other what REAL love can do if given the chance. Sucks that life/sin gets in the way…

    Liked by 1 person

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