Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Twelve

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“Love is the most beautiful thing to have, hardest thing to earn, and most painful thing to lose.”

 

(After he would leave, I would blast this song in my house… over and over. The ironic thing is… he wouldn’t speak to me about why he left)

At the time, I had no idea why Mr. Bodyguard (my husband) left me. He wouldn’t talk to me about it. If only I had known the actual reason he left, if only I knew what would happen in the future… I would have done everything I could to stop the pain and make him understand how much I loved him. I REALLY loved him. 

He had saved me after Mr. Godfather had abused me in EVERY way. That man took everything from me and I’m lucky he didn’t kill me like he said he would. He had completely destroyed me. I was very bitter towards men. I NEVER expected to meet my husband. When I met him, I felt like I was unworthy of love from a good man. I didn’t know how to allow myself to receive his love. At first, I couldn’t get Mr. Godfather out of my head and I had a hard time believing my husband could actually love me. I had no problem loving him, I had a problem making sure he knew exactly how I felt about him. I loved him with a love I didn’t know existed. My life meant nothing without him in it. He would never hear me say that though and my actions in the coming months would say just the opposite of how I really felt. 

I was all alone. I was not doing well, I had pregnancy complications during my pregnancy and I was just trying to get far enough along to where the baby would survive. Once I had the baby, I could go back to work. But for now, I was living on “food stamps”. My husband on the other hand was making LOTS of money and I had no idea where it was going. He refused to pay any of our bills. With him being gone and not giving me money, I could no longer pay our mortgage, utilities, or my car payment. We were going to lose everything we had worked so hard to get and he didn’t even seem to care. This was so unlike him. 

Out of the blue, my husband would come back home to see me. If I was lucky, he would stay the entire night. I missed him so much. He wasn’t the same guy, he was different. Cold and distant. He looked like he didn’t know what he wanted, but he couldn’t stay away from me. That confused me, especially if he didn’t love me anymore. He always came back. I loved when he would come home and make love to me. If he spent the whole night, I was so happy to have him next to me. The saddest part was the next day when he would leave. It broke my heart. I never knew when or if I would see him again. He would just vanish exactly like he did when we were dating. Then, he would come back and we would have a night of passion and I would hope he was going to stay with me forever… he never did. One day I let my pain and frustration take over. I would never physically hurt him, I will break things though. As he was leaving, I went to the kitchen and I threw glasses at the wall. They shattered all over the floor. The broken glass laid there waiting for me to clean it up. My mother came over and saw what I had done. She made a remark about how I was going to have to clean it up and she looked at me like I was an idiot. That was the first time I ever remember letting myself release anger like that. I felt stupid for creating such a mess, but it felt good to let my anger out. The shattered glass all over my floor was nothing compared the shattered state of my heart.   

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I do not remember him ever going with me to my sonogram appointments and I think he only went to a couple of my doctor appointments. When I tried to ask him questions about where he was staying, he said he was sleeping on a co-worker’s couch. He was living with this guy and the guy’s girlfriend I think. Otherwise, he stayed at his parents’ house and preferred living in their basement over being at his own home with his wife. I must have really made him feel unwelcome, disrespected, and not at the top of my list for him to have chosen the life he was now living. We lived in an area where it snowed and he didn’t like to drive his gorgeous Camaro in the snow. He came by the house and took my car. He said he was going to a Christmas party. He wouldn’t take me with him. I sat in my house all alone that night. I don’t even remember Christmas that year. The only memory I have is me putting up a small Christmas tree and decorating it. Without him there… nothing was the same. 

One of the times he left his car at the house, I went out and looked inside it. What I saw shocked me. There were beer bottles… everywhere. I knew he liked to drink a wine cooler once in awhile or have a drink when we went out, but I had never seen anything like this. I remember one day after he left, he revealed to me that he used to drink a six pack on his way home from work. I was surprised. I never knew he had done that (I hope I misunderstood and he really meant half a six pack). His work was maybe 10-15 minutes from our house. I was in awe of how he could drink that many beers in that amount of time. Not to mention, it’s illegal and dangerous to drink while driving. I had never noticed unusual behavior other than him being very tired and laying on the couch. I don’t even recall smelling it. Seeing the bottles that covered the interior of his car, it was clear he had a problem. I didn’t want to accept it, but I had to. My husband was… an alcoholic. I had no idea he was dealing with pain the way he was. I didn’t now how to help him. 

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His family stayed in contact with me, that was so much different than before when he had vanished. I was pregnant this time and they were all nice to me. One night, my husband took me back to his parents’ house and down to his “room”. He made love to me and wanted me with him that night. The next morning he had to go to work. While he was getting ready, I remember looking around where he was living and seeing things like his wallet, keys, and pager laying on the table. It was so strange, it felt off. He should be with me at our home and his things should be laying on top of our dresser in our bedroom. Who was he? How could he be comfortable living anywhere with anyone but his wife? It was like I was with another man, a man I didn’t even know. He had a whole other life he was living and I was like his favorite drink served to him in a beautiful glass on a silver tray whenever he was in the mood for me. I went upstairs and his mother was in the kitchen. She was going to take me home. I sat down and ate a banana before we left. It was different being in her house. I used to come here with her son for holidays and family dinners. She was always kind and took me places like the mall or out to eat. Even when he wasn’t around, she included me and made me feel like part of the family. She bought me a maternity outfit for a Valentine’s day dinner we were going to at their Church. She would talk with me on the telephone and I could tell her anything. I could ball my eyes out and ask her how to get my husband to come back home. She didn’t have an answer for me on that, but she made sure I knew that she cared about me. Now, I was “visiting” her son and being taken back home after he got what he wanted. His behavior confused me and I felt like I didn’t really matter to him anymore.

Mr. Bodyguard’s father was always nice to me. He made sure I knew that they loved me. Even my sister-in-laws kept talking to me and included me at times. When I would have medical problems and go to the emergency room, my husband’s parents would come up to see me. I would look and look for my husband, but he never came. I had love and emotional support from my in-laws, it was my husband who was missing. Where he was I do not know. No one in my family or his offered to help us try and work things out. No one offered to help me get him sober. My family was ticked he had left me and his family probably didn’t know what to do. He was a grown man in his 20’s and he did whatever he wanted. The Church didn’t teach me how to help my alcoholic husband… no one gave me any advice or support on that. He was just… “bad” and I had nothing. 

I had no idea he was an alcoholic until I had seen the inside of his car. He honestly functioned like normal and I had no clue he was drinking like he was. I knew he didn’t want to be with me and it was so clear that he had fallen out of love with me. At least, that’s what he made it look like. What puzzled me was why he kept coming back if he really did not love me anymore. Him making love to me and spending any amount of time with me made me think there was hope.

No matter what anyone said,

no matter what my husband did,

I wasn’t giving up on my marriage.

I had made a commitment to him.

I made vows before God and I took those very seriously.

For some reason, I just couldn’t let him go.

I would rather he be cold to me on the phone than to never hear his voice at all.

I would rather have him stay a night with me knowing he will leave the next day than to never feel him next to me.

I would have done anything to make him stay with me,

I would have done anything to make him love me like he used to… if I only I knew how.

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“High Enough”

I don’t wanna hear about it anymore
It’s a shame I’ve got to live without you anymore
There’s a fire in my heart
A pounding in my brain
It’s driving me crazy
We don’t need to talk about it anymore
Yesterday’s just a memory
Can we close the door
I just made one mistake
I didn’t know what to say
When you called me baby
Don’t say goodnight
Say you’re gonna stay forever
Oh, whoa, all the way
Can you take me high enough
To fly me over (fly me over) yesterday
Can you take me high enough
It’s never over
Yesterday’s just a memory 
(Yesterday’s just a memory and)

 

I don’t want to live without you anymore
Can’t you see I’m in misery
And you know for sure
I would live and die for you
And I’d know just what to do when you call me baby

Don’t say goodbye
Say you’re gonna stay forever
Oh, whoa, all the way

Can you take me high enough
Can you fly me over (fly me over) yesterday
Can you take me high enough
It’s never over
Yesterday’s just a memory

I’m running
I was running for the door
The next thing I remember
I was running back for more, yeah

Don’t say goodbye
Say you’re gonna stay forever
Oh, whoa, all the way (all the way, all the way, yeah)

Can you take me high enough
Can you fly me over (fly me over) yesterday
Can you take me high enough
It’s never over, whoa, whoa, whoa

Can you take me high enough
Won’t you fly me over (won’t you fly me over) yesterday
Can you take me high enough
It’s never over, whoa, whoa, whoa

~ Damn Yankees

 

 

Amazed By His Grace,

Purple Rose

 

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Thirteen

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eleven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Ten

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Nine

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Eight

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Seven

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Six

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Five

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Four (He returns)

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Three

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Two

Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part One

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Mr. Bodyguard ~ Part Twelve

  1. Dollfaced Writer says:

    😭😭😭 You put up with so much, I can’t even imagine what turmoil he put you through by doing that. Still can’t figure him out 😓 I’m so sorry you went through that, no one should ever be abandoned. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stuart L. Tutt says:

    I love that song by the Damn Yankees. It’s on Angie’s playlist that I listen to when I miss her the most.

    Functioning alcoholics are the hardest to tell if they have a problem or not.

    To come home, make love to you and disappear again…geez.
    Sounds like he’s coming to get his fix. That sounded harsh I know, but that’s what comes to mind first.

    I know you both were young but dang did he not know how bad this was hurting you?

    And y’all’s parents should have offered some sort of freaking advice. That’s what they are supposed to do…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Purple Rose says:

      It’s a great song. I listen to it over and over. 💕

      Functioning? I’m going to go look that one up. This was over 2 decades ago and I have never been told anything. I wish I had gone to some kind of support group for spouses or took my daughter to one for children. I don’t even recall any of the churches I’ve gone to having anything to help.

      Yeah, he probably was just using me every time he came to see me. Being that my top love language is physical touch, I interpret a man’s touch as love. If he had never came to see me, I would have believed him when he said that he didn’t love me anymore. When he came to see me, I always had hope because he made love to me and I never remember him saying that to me ever again.

      Is it possible that because we were Christians, maybe he didn’t want to cheat on me and he just used me to get his fix? It does sound harsh, but I thank you for speaking your mind. I always appreciate you giving a male perspective. It helps me see what could have been going on in his head.

      I guess he didn’t know how bad he hurt me. I would cry, I would beg, I would fix myself up and try to talk to him. It was like walking on eggshells! One night, he came by to take my car to a Christmas party and it was gonna snow (I think I wrote about that already). I was so happy to see him. I sat on his lap facing him and I tried so hard to make him want to stay or take me with him. I remember vividly him looking me in the eyes, smiling and telling me I was “cute” and that I would find someone else. I couldn’t believe he would talk to me like that. I was carrying his child and he was just… done.

      He could walk away from me anytime, anyplace and be gone for weeks or a month. Nothing I said or did stopped him. I would call him to ask a question like, “Where is the extension cord?” as I was trying to put up our little Christmas tree. He was cold, like he had no desire to talk to me whatsoever. I felt like nothing. Then, out of no where the next month, he might show up at my door for one night. It. Was. Crazy.

      I just never said the RIGHT things I guess. I never opened my heart and poured out what I should have (I think that’s my next post).

      Parents? Yeah, no. Mine were through with him. His enabled him. He is the favorite child (his mother told me he is) and he does whatever he wants. His mother told me once, “He thinks he is the cat’s meow… and he is!” Girls we’re always looking at him and wanting his phone number or whatever. I had one come up to me while I was working and she wanted to know where he had gone (he had to go to his other job). I told her that he was my fiancé. You should’ve seen the look on her face. Heck, my own mother couldn’t even control herself when given a moment alone with him. He probably could’ve had any woman he wanted. He could’ve had a better wife I’m sure.

      I’m also sure that no other woman would have ever loved him for the same reason I did. He saw through the wall I put up and he climbed right over it. He saved me. He protected me. He was my bodyguard… my “Kevin Costner”.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Purple Rose says:

      😂 Stuart, I hope to get this series finished soon. I will try to make sure questions are answered as I write. In the meantime, feel free to ask me anything.

      Like

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