“You can’t save people from themselves. You can only try to wake them up.” ~
I’m moving on…
Hey guys! I hope you all had a blessed Easter and a great week. My youngest daughter wasn’t feeling too good Friday night. By Saturday she was SICK. Poor girl. I’m not sure exactly what she has, but it’s bad. Her fever was just hanging on and the cough… oh my goodness. We had planned to go to Easter service with my oldest Daughter and her husband… nope. We wanted to go to the egg hunt afterwards… nope. Sissy made an Easter lesson for her to do on Sunday and I did manage to print out a coloring page for her to color…
It has been an awful week for us. The family drama was ridiculous and I lost a whole night of sleep over it. I HATE drama. I’m still recovering from this sickness I’ve had going on for over a month it seems. I’m tired… so tired. The constant coughing and drainage is really getting on my last nerve. I’m tired of going to the doctor, I’m tired of taking medicine and I’m tired of sleeping one night and then not being able to sleep at all the next! Sleep deprivation will drive you nuts! Ok, rant over. When I find myself doing that, I start to remind myself of the positives in my life.
“I thank you God that I can walk, I thank you that I can breath even with all the stuffiness and drainage, I thank you for the warm water in my shower, I thank you for the music that gets me through the day, I thank you for the sun that rises every morning reminding me that it is a NEW day, I thank you that I have a place to live and food in my kitchen, I thank you for my paycheck, I thank you for your unlimited grace and for saving me…”
I made my favorite Salmon and I tried something new… sweet potatoes. I’ve never made these other than the ones in the can for holidays. These were fresh. I just cut off the skin, sliced and boiled them in a pot of water. Topped with butter and a little salt. I was surprised at how good they turned out!
I have been wanting to make blueberry muffins, but I didn’t have a six cup pan. I don’t want to make 12 because… I DO NOT need to stuff 12 in my mouth. So, I finally bought a smaller pan at Walmart and made these little beauties! Soooo good. ❤
Saturday is usually my “Beauty day”. Well… it used to be. I loved to do a face mask and pamper myself once a week. I have a large tub that is so nice for long hot bubble baths. I love my battery operated candles in the beautiful candelabra on my tub and bath pillow to lay back on. Problem is, I need to replace the batteries in my candles because they no longer light up my tub AND I need to make time to shut out the world for 30 minutes. I think I’ve only done that once or twice since I’ve been sick.
I always try to have a weekly “Girl’s Night” with both of my daughters. We get a large pizza from Costco usually, $10 dollars baby!!! We make some quick salads, drink soda, make root beer floats or my favorite “dirty cokes”, watch “smut” (the young and the restless, the bold and the beautiful, 90 day fiance, the bachelor, the bachelorette …etc.) and eat snacks. We do foot baths, manicures and pedicures. It’s a lot of fun! I feel horrible the next day (I’m too old to eat and drink like that)…
I went ahead and tried out the new red color my Man got for me (he wasn’t thrilled with the pink I did last time). At dinner tonight, he was looking at my hands as I was talking. His eyes lite up, he smiled and said, “Your nails look great!” He notices EVERYTHING. He really likes the color he picked. I actually do like this shade as it seems to have more pink in it and is bright like cherries. I was pleasantly surprised. He was happy I went back to what he likes. Yep, red gets him every time…
As for blogging, I did get a challenge posted. You can read it here. I have also been working on the last parts to my “Mr. Bodyguard” series. I think I want to finish them and then post one at a time. I usually post as I write, but this was different. This man was… well, I’ll just say that he deserves all the time I’m putting into it. It’s crazy the things that happen when you write about your past and share your real life story. I realize things and see people for who they really are. It’s hard because I love all of my family and my Ex-Husband very much. Telling my story DOES NOT mean that I do not love or respect them. I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I am only telling my story and trying to heal. In doing that, I do see where my family played a part in the shattered lives of 2 people who are just trying to be happy in lives they never would have chosen. If I’m not 100% honest, I will never be able to heal or help my daughter heal. The truth is not always what we would like, but it must be at least acknowledged in order to heal properly and move on. While other people can just forget, I wake up everyday with a broken heart. I see the pain in my daughter’s face. I live with the consequences of my actions. I see where I was wrong. I take responsibly for my mistakes and I acknowledge that I am a flawed human being. I will never be able to give my oldest daughter the childhood she should of had. I will never be able to erase the traumatic memories of going back and forth between houses and not living with both of her parents. I can’t fix anything. I can only ask God to take away the pain. He is the ONLY one who can heal broken hearts. Some days, I think I am starting to heal and other days… I almost break in two. This is a very painful process and I am ready to move on…
I actually did move about 3 years ago and I have been in an odd place mentally ever since I got here. I mean, I feel like I am not the person I was. It took me MONTHS to unpack… ok, some stuff I still have not unpacked. Yikes! Anyways, I will walk into my closet and see my old clothes, old shoes, and old jewelry that I used to love to wear. I see new things that I was excited to get and I’ve never worn them. I will wear the same pieces of clothing and the same shoes over and over. My pretty clothes just hang in my closet most of the time. Every now and then, I will pull out something special for photos or a hot date. I rarely put on my jewelry that I love so much. Being sick for so long has really messed me up. I can go DAYS without make up (I love make-up). Even just to look “natural” I always feel better with some make-up. I have become very good friends with my washed daily and put back up “messy bun”. I almost became a hair stylist once. My bathroom has bottles of hair products beautifully organized in purple baskets. When it comes to hair, I am very particular. However, I refuse to spend a lot of money on products. I finally found the best heat-spray, gel, mousse and hairspray for my hair type and my wallet at Walmart. Shocking, but I stopped wasting money on expensive salon stuff that I didn’t even like! I have soooo many hair tools and most of them are just sitting there… in a big purple basket. I have a barely used hot roller set that I HAD to have. Still, I don’t really take the time to style my hair at all anymore. When I do get myself fixed up for meetings and dates, I feel so much better. I feel more like the old me. I feel more… alive.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m just holding on by a thread. I am just making it through the day. I have so many books on my shelves. I LOVE books. The sad thing is, I stopped reading them altogether. My Man reminded me of that the other day, “You used to read…” Yep, I did. Lately, I have had a very hard time keeping my focus on one thing for any amount of time. There has been huge amounts of stress, relentless sickness/medical issues one on top of another, lots of family drama, relationships going up in flames, and multiple changes. I feel like I’ve been under some kind of attack and it has taken it’s toll on my body, mind and spirit. I finally pulled back and let other people’s behavior make me an observer instead of a participant. When I did try to participate, I got knocked down by other Christians. I stopped having anything to say. I found myself escaping to my blog where I could write about anything I wanted and my words flowed freely. In everyday life though, I had decided to stop and just watch at times. I don’t even go to Church anymore. Too much drama and people acting nothing like Christ. On top of that, I began having anxiety attacks. Even at Church for Pete’s sake!!! I would keep running my finger over the cross on my bible bag and my oldest daughter would look over at me like, “ARE YOU OK?!!!” No, I was definitely not okay. 😦 I had too much on my mind, my anxiety was getting the best of me and my heart was breaking over so many things beyond my control.
Well, this week I decided that it’s time to MOVE ON. I am not Jesus… I can’t save anyone from themself. People will do whatever they want and that is their choice. No matter how bad I feel, I’m not going to keep on like this. I see my old self every time I walk into my closet, I see my old self every time I look at the books getting dusty in my living room and I’m ready to bring my old self or at least a new version of my old self back to life. She was fun, she was happy and she was strong. She lived life. She faced things head on. This time, I don’t want the drama. I do not want to be involved in anymore twitter fights or family fights. People can do whatever the heck they want. I’m done trying to “save” them from themselves. I have no power to do that. I’m going to let God handle the saving this time. I want to go to Church with my adult children and I want Sunday to be SUNDAY again.
My man looked at me recently while I was just surrendering to my physical self. He said, “You are going to fight this!” I thought that I was too weak to fight anymore and I didn’t like what he was saying. I was tired of dealing with what I was dealing with. Now, I am mad.
I am mad at what Satan has done to the people I love.
I am mad that addiction takes over people I love.
I am mad that certain people do not know what real love looks like.
I am mad that certain people can’t just love each other and be nice.
I am mad that no matter what I do, I will never make some people understand that I am here for them and not against them.
I am mad that my anxiety stops me from living life like I used to.
I am mad that Satan attacks people I love with medical problems.
I am mad that I have certain medical issues.
I am mad that I can’t control my thoughts and I dwell on stuff I shouldn’t.
I am mad and I’m not gonna take it anymore! I’m gonna do stuff anyway. I’m gonna show up for my children anyway just like I did for Christmas. I know I can’t save anyone, not even myself, but I’m gonna pray to the ONE who can. I can dwell on things I can’t change or I can read and quote scripture. I can watch shows at night that do nothing for me or I can watch spiritual shows. I was looking at my living room shelf and I saw the DVD “War Room”. I believe it was a gift from Dollface and her husband (they give the best gifts). It was still in the wrapper. I hadn’t even opened it yet! I think I need to put it in my DVD player in my bedroom and watch it… every night.
I’ve got a lot of work to do this week. I’m ready though. It’s time to spiritually “clean house” and move on. 😉
I hope you have a great week! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my ramblings. I love you guys. ❤
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” ~ Ephesians 6:12
Amazed By His Grace,