“There ain’t no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.” ~
About a month went by and I was trying to get out of my dark place. Accepting what had happened to our baby wasn’t easy. I tried to be the wife I should have been. I remember going to the store and buying cleaning supplies. I felt like I needed to clean my house… like CLEAN the house. While Mr. Bodyguard (my husband) was at work, I got down on my hands and knees and I SCRUBBED our kitchen floor. I don’t know why I felt like I had to do that, but I did. I tried to be the best wife. I made my husband lunches for work and I cooked and cleaned. I was ready to start earning money again, my father was looking for financial opportunities and he was going to a presentation. I decided to go with him. I really wanted to try to start my own business. I didn’t purchase the material that day. I went home and told my husband about it. The next presentation was in a city that was HOURS away. I really wanted to do this and I was excited at what I had seen. I just kinda gave up. It was a huge surprise when my husband showed up at the house after he got off work ready to take me to this thing I was going crazy about. ROAD trip!!! We had been married a little over a year and a half and we hadn’t gone anywhere together, not even for our honeymoon. I was soooo excited. I packed and off we went. We hadn’t been in a good place ever since we lost the baby. Things just weren’t the same between us. I was so sad and he was… distant. This trip, it was like a little ray of hope. I was looking forward to being with him in the car and seeing what he thought about this business venture I was so interested in.
He was so sweet to leave work and make arrangements to take me away. I was shocked that he had taken my feelings so seriously and I was impressed by his grand gesture. The drive was a little awkward, we hadn’t spent much time to together driving since the days I rode with him when we were dating. When we were together in the car now, I was usually deep in thought and staring out the window thinking about our baby. We were starting over. We were trying to get past the horrible things that had happened, the drama in my family, the change in our work situation and we really needed to move on. There were so many feelings and we had both been traumatized by the whole hospital experience. We NEEDED to get back to the place we used to be in or at least try to resemble our old selves. This trip might just be the thing that could help us find our way back to that place. If we could just be without distractions, phone calls and drama from other people, we would have a chance to do just that. Whenever it was just the two of us, we were fine.
Once we got out-of-town and to the hotel, we were… us. We had fire and passion. I can’t explain what happens when I’m alone in a room with him. It’s magical. He and I both knew better than to be careless before the three months were over. We had been told that day in the doctor’s office to wait. It hadn’t been three months yet, more like one month. It didn’t matter though, I loved him and I wanted to be with him. That night at the hotel was special. He looked at me… really looked at me. Then, he loved me just like a real man should. It was a night I will never forget. I LOVED being with him. When I was with him like that, I never wanted it to end. With the touch of his hands and the kiss of his lips, he made the whole world disappear. I never wanted to be without him. He was all I needed, all I wanted and I loved him with everything in me. The next thing we knew… I was pregnant for the second time. I wasn’t even planning on trying to have another child. No child would ever replace the one we lost. It was much too soon, but I was determined not to let anything happen to this baby. If I could just get to 27 weeks… it would have a chance to survive.
Once again, I became distracted with obsessing over the baby. Especially this time, I had gotten pregnant way too quick. No one really seemed to understand why we hadn’t waited. More like why my husband hadn’t followed the orders. “How could he do this to you?” Getting asked questions like that isn’t fun and I probably looked like a fool. I was happy though. I had been so very sad and now, I had another chance at having what I had wanted all along. The pregnancy wouldn’t be easy though. I got very sick and was really miserable. I couldn’t keep anything down and I wasn’t much fun at all. I was still under a lot of stress. My father couldn’t come up with the cash to keep the property. My parents had to let the business and the church go. It was awful, but there was nothing more I could do. My parents were having the worst marital problems and I tried to play “mediator/marriage counselor” for my parents and I got no where. My father would sometimes need a place to stay and I was always happy to have him stay with us. I didn’t have a guest room set up, so he slept on the couch in the living room right next to my master bedroom. My husband wasn’t happy about that and he soon felt like his home wasn’t really his home. I didn’t respect him like I should have. I focused my attention on the baby in my tummy and my family. My husband took a backseat to everyone and everything.
He was offered a very good job making lots of money and he took it. He gave up his job working security and he would leave his gun at the house. This job was a completely different kind of work. He made new friends and he began working late, very late. When he was home, he seemed… annoyed and would lay around on the couch watching TV. Something changed, he wasn’t himself. I was having pregnancy complications and I ended up in the emergency room of a different hospital than before. I was hooked up to an IV and they were trying to help me. I looked to my right and there he sat, laying back in the chair with his baseball cap over his face. I was terrified and he was possibly sleeping. I felt so alone. I felt like he was so far away. He was cold and distant these days. I had no idea why. I wonder if he was afraid I would lose the baby again and this was his way of coping. I was released to go home and rest. I just needed to make it to 27 weeks along and then the baby might be okay if something happened. I didn’t need all of this stress that I was constantly under, I needed rest… I needed peace.
One night, I waited for him to come home from work like he always did, but he didn’t. All night long, I waited. This was exactly like when he had vanished three months after we began dating. No phone call or warning. He just vanished. There I sat, watching and waiting like a little puppy, looking for his car to come down the street… just like before. My mind raced back to that morning and how he acted like his normal self. I hadn’t noticed anything different. He must have been in an accident. That had to be what it was! I called the hospitals… nothing. I called his parents and they tried to find him… nothing. They even came over to the house and seemed to have no idea where he could be. I was so afraid. He had left his wedding ring at the house (he didn’t wear it all the time), I put his ring on a necklace and wore it around my neck. I didn’t know if he was ever coming home or if he was even alive.
The next day, I was getting out of the shower and I was so worried. I came out of the bathroom and there he was. I hugged him and tried to talk to him. I was so happy to see him. He, however, did not seem happy to see me. He had gotten paid the day before and he took his money and tossed it on our bed. Puzzled, I looked at the money laying on the bed and I noticed that it wasn’t his whole paycheck. HUNDREDS of dollars had gone missing in less than 24 hours. I began to question him, where was he and where was our money? We had bills to pay and a baby on the way. I was trying to get the new business set up and his new job was our only source of income. Where did all that money go? He just looked at me… blank stare. I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and he wasn’t the same. I continued to try to get some answers, but he wouldn’t tell me anything. Finally, he spoke and I will never forget what I heard him say. “If I had had my gun with me last night… I would have blown my brains out.” The look on his face was something I never remember seeing before. I couldn’t understand why he would say something like that and I was mad.
Soon after that day, he said he was going to go get a car wash. I wanted to go with him and he told me, “No”. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let me go with him. He started packing his things and he told me that he was leaving. I couldn’t understand why he was leaving. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore. I asked him how he could make love to me and get me pregnant if he didn’t love me. I wouldn’t accept what he was trying to tell me. Being pregnant and hormonal, I began crying. I must have looked pretty pathetic. He told me that he wasn’t “in love” with me. To me, that meant that he cared about me, but he had fallen out of love with me. Nothing I said or did made him stay. No amount of tears stopped him from walking out that door. It was too late. I was beyond heart-broken.
I had nothing, I was having pregnancy complications and had no way to make money. I had no health insurance either. I had to go apply for “food stamps” and medical help. Not being able to pay the bills was devastating. In just a matter of months, I had lost my 1st baby, I had lost my husband and without his paycheck, I was going to lose everything else. I was trying not to lose this baby. My baby was all I was going to have. I was alone…completely alone when my father wasn’t there. I had never lived on my own, my parents had never even left me in the house alone growing up. I was so scared. I missed my husband so much, I even dreamed about him. I could hear his voice, and when I opened my eyes he wasn’t there. I about lost my mind. He had saved me when I was 17 years old. He was everything to me and once again, he was gone. This time, I didn’t want to live without him. While driving one day, I contemplated running my car into a tree, but I was pregnant and I couldn’t take an innocent life…
This one is for you Mr. Bodyguard, it’s the truth…
*My thoughts, my feelings, my story and my opinions are my own. I don’t want to cause any trouble for my family members who are preachers and the ministries they have built. I love and respect them. It is not my desire to hurt anyone or the images they have made for themselves. That being said, I am not above or beneath anyone and I have a right to share my story just like anyone else.
Amazed By His Grace,