“A real man will be honest no matter how painful the truth is. A coward hides behind lies and deceit.”
I continued to scream and cry. Mr. Bodyguard (my Fiancé) tried to pick me up off of the floor. He tried to get me to calm down, but he couldn’t. I just collapsed right on the floor. My heart couldn’t take it. I NEVER saw that coming. Finally, he got me up and over to the counter where my parents were. My father was trying to get answers. I was trying to understand what I was hearing, when all of a sudden my mother looked at my Fiancé and said, “You kissed me back.” As soon as she said that, I looked over at him and he was so mad. He immediately yelled, “I did not!”. His body language told me everything I needed to know. He was innocent. It honestly looked like he was about to jump the counter and make her stop this insanity. Had she been a man, he might have punched her lights out for telling such a horrible lie on him.
Why was this happening? Why had she kissed my Fiancé? Why was she saying she wasn’t with him because he didn’t love her? I was who he loved and I was the woman keeping her from being with him? He was the man she had fallen in love with? What?!!! I completely lost it. I began screaming at my mother and calling her a name, over and over as she tried to justify herself. At one point, I was so hysterical, my Fiancé grabbed me, sat down in a chair and held me tight. He had to physically restrain me. I was about to lose my mind. As my mother approached I began screaming. Mr. Bodyguard reached out his hand to block her and kept her away. This was too much. I had been through too much. I hadn’t stood up for myself at times when I should have. I was a very obedient daughter. I had put my feelings aside and done whatever I was told. I had always helped my parents with their Church. Now, I was helping them run a business. I didn’t leave to go off to college. I stayed with them. I chose my parents, the church, and the business over moving back home and marrying my soul mate Mr. Perfect. I had made the mistake of trusting the horrible Mr. Godfather . I let him abuse my body, toy with my mind, and almost destroy my soul. I almost lost my life. I was once again happy when Mr. Bodyguard just up and vanished. I chose my parents over the man who showed me more respect than any man ever would, my dream guy Mr. Fantasy. Now, the man I fell in love with at first sight, my best friend, the man who SAVED my life, Mr. Bodyguard was back. He wanted to marry me. This was the man I loved so much I hated I loved him as much as I did and my mother couldn’t let me have him to myself? Why? Was this my reward for being a good daughter all of those years? Was this what I get for putting away my feelings and choosing my parents over two men I could have been completely happy with? Hadn’t I had been through enough? Hadn’t there been enough drama? Hadn’t I been traumatized enough? Evidently not.
My Fiancé was late for work and he had to call his father to cover his shift until he could get there. The amazing thing was, he wasn’t leaving me. He wasn’t going anywhere without me. My mother’s brother and my grandmother arrived. My Grandma tried to calm me down and make me stop yelling at my mother. She was always protective of her daughter, my mother could do NO wrong. My uncle took me outside to get some air. He began to tell me that sometimes parents live vicariously through their children. I shouldn’t be so hard on my mother for doing what she had done. It seemed kinda comical that this had happened as she never had a chance with Mr. Bodyguard. I however, wasn’t amused. My uncle had no idea what all I had survived, what abuse I had endured and how desperately I needed some kind of normal for once. I didn’t need a mid-life-crisis going on right now. I needed a normal mother helping me plan my wedding, not falling in love with my groom. I listened to my uncle talk and I calmed down. I loved my uncle. I think he probably knew my mother better than I did. He knew her long before she was my mother and he had her number. Unlike my grandmother, my mother didn’t seem to fool him as easily. He knew she wasn’t perfect. I’m glad someone understood what was going on. I had one person in my life who was making some sense out of what had happened. I was still upset though. I REALLY didn’t need this.
My Fiancé got me away from my mother and took me to work with him. I think he was worried about me. I was 18 and my parents no longer had any legal authority. I could do anything I wanted, I just had to do it and not be afraid. That night, I sat in the patrol car and I was just broken. I have no idea how he could even focus on his job after all of that drama, but he did. He was the best at what he did. I tried to make sense of this mess. I was a wreck. I needed answers. When my Fiancé told me what had happened, it all made sense. I knew he was innocent and my mother… was not. He seemed relieved that it was out. He said that he had wanted to tell me so many times, but couldn’t. He didn’t know how to tell me. He had been keeping this secret ever since the night at the cabin… at least a month ago. What she did to him was sick. It had haunted him ever since it happened and it would haunt him for years to come.
According to him, he went to bed that night and my mother kept coming to his room. She would not leave him alone. She told him she was hearing noises and every time he checked it out, nothing. Finally, since she wouldn’t let him sleep, he decided to just lay down on the couch in the living room and watch a movie. I was asleep in the big bedroom right there next to the living room. My mother was supposed to be sleeping next to me in the master bed. Instead, she sat down on the living room floor and began talking to him inappropriately. She told him details about her sexual relationship with my father. She crawled over to him, told him she loved him and kissed him on the mouth. He said that she wanted to have sex with him. He jumped up off of the couch to get away from her and he came to find me in the master bedroom. I was sound asleep. Not knowing what else to do, he laid down at my feet across the foot of the bed. My mother dared not follow him in there where I was. She stayed in the living room, rejected. He laid there on the bed until the sun came up and I awoke to find him. Instead of demanding to know what was going on, I freaked out and chased him out of the room. I didn’t even let him try to explain. How awful!
It all made sense now. How foolish I was. I KNEW something wasn’t right, but I would have never thought my mother would have done something so horrible. My mind raced back to that morning at the cabin, how he had acted, how she had acted and her later threatening to tell my father that I had slept with my Fiancé when I didn’t want to do something she was trying to make me do. She knew I had done no such thing. I was adamant about not sleeping with my Fiancé until our wedding night. She had sat there in the cabin living room, facing the open bedroom door and she watched. She knew exactly what she had done and why he was running from her. I had done nothing wrong that night. I wasn’t even awake. It was she who had done the unthinkable and he had wanted to tell me the truth. Keeping her sick secret was torture for him. He told me the truth. No matter what it might cost him, he wanted me to know. I was floored. I apologized to him for her behavior. I felt just awful about what my mother had done to him. This was a nightmare…
*My thoughts, my feelings, my story and my opinions are my own. I don’t want to cause any trouble for my family members who are preachers and the ministries they have built. I love and respect them. It is not my desire to hurt anyone or the images they have made for themselves. That being said, I am not above or beneath anyone and I have a right to share my story just like anyone else.
Amazed By His Grace,